Welcome to the world of online dating. It's an exciting concept, that just a few mouse clicks away you could find the perfect partner. Today I want to talk about one of the most important aspects of online dating, your profile pictures.
Your profile picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Raise your hand if you hoped you might be able to do all this without putting up a picture?
Now also put up your hand if you hoped you could use a selfie from your phone or an old photo with other people in it?
Tut, tut, tut.
Let me say this clearly: yes you need a photo. Why would you even bother to put together a profile if you are going to then shoot yourself in the foot by refusing to show your face? And then you need to make sure it's an asset, not a liability.
Psychological studies into online dating have demonstrated that people are cautious because of the lack of ways to verify the information presented. That's why everyone thinks everyone else is lying online. We like to be able to check a person's eye movements or body posture as they tell us things, so we can judge for ourselves whether we think they are telling the truth. Online, because there are far fewer cues, people read more meaning into the ones that remain.
Your photos are one of the the best ways to support what you say and make you appear honest. However, if you aren't careful, it will also be 'telling' people things about you that you don't know.
Not only do you need them, but you need them to look good. How the photo is taken and a myriad of other little tells will give away more information about you than you know. Thinking of putting up a shot you've clearly taken yourself? This immediately says that you have no friends, because you couldn't find one single other people who could hold the camera for you. Yup, that's how much people will read into your photos.
But don't be scared. You may not know exactly what your photos are saying, but that's why you have me. To help you out, I'm going to go through the most common mistakes I've found online, and what these photos are actually screaming. Keep in mind that that the profile picture is not just being used to judge your appearance, but your entire life. So, here are some things to be aware of:
1. Pictures of Something Else
While there are many different mistakes you can make with your own photo, not actually using a photo of yourself seems a bit obvious. What exactly is that going to tell other people about you? You are throwing away a perfectly good chance to attract someone, and instead shouting out that you are deformed or so insecure that you can't show people your face. These are not good messages.
2. Putting Up A Picture With Multiple People In It
Using photos of you with a lot of other people can support your statement that you have great friends. However, it also has some negative connotations that I think you should be aware of. First, it says you have put no effort whatsoever into choosing photos for your profile, as you've just grabbed them off Facebook. Second, everyone will automatically assume you are the most ugly person in the photo. Sorry, but it's true.
3. You with Another Girl
I assume the logic is that you are trying to prove you can pull hot girls. This is slightly undermined by the fact that you are on an internet dating site. Further, users will judge the girl in the photo (harshly, it's human nature) and then assume that is your type. Even if the girl in the photo is an exact representation of your ideal girl, after she has gone through this filter you will find no other girl wanting to own up to being like her. Therefore, every girl viewing it will assume you are looking for someone else. The only acceptable woman ever would be your grandmother. Your mother makes you look like a mama's boy. Having a child in your photo is okay if it is yours and you want to get across clearly that you have children and are a loving parent. If you want to get across that you are great with children, but don't have any of your own, then put a niece or nephew in one of your other photos, not your primary one, and clearly state it's not yours.
4. My Comic Ugly Shot
So you think you can get around the whole being judged on your looks thing by a comic ugly shot, huh? The sad truth is that whichever is the worst photo of you online is what everyone is going to assume you look like most of the time. Also, it makes you look like you are insecure so hiding behind humor. This is not attractive. You always want to appear confident.
5. The Decapitated Shot
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. This Is Me... 10 Years Ago
All of your photos need to be reasonably up to date, with the primary photo being taken in the last few months. You look great as you are, and have matured well, so be confident. It is usually pretty obvious if someone hasn't put up a recent photo, because no 40 year old actually looks like that. But even if you don't get found out now, you are just leading to in person rejection - not because you're bad looking, but because you are not what they expected. Now you look older and like a liar, or just seriously insecure, which is not attractive either. Even though a lot of people do feel that an out-dated photo is still legitimate, if you are prepared to put some time in now, you can definitely take an even better photo. Recreate your favorite shot if that makes you feel better, but add in some extra clues to your achievements since then.
7. My Professional Glamor Shot
If you are a model, and have been paid to have your photo taken, then sure, go ahead an include one of them (this will support your self-statements). In any other circumstance, I recommend not using professional glamor shots in your profile. If you have paid someone to take photos of you, this often comes across as self-indulgent. Further, they are known to be unrealistic and touched up, so people don't trust them anyway. Even if you love the picture, I recommend trying to recreate a more realistic version yourself.
8. The Drunken Shot
I'm sorry, but no one is attractive when they are drunk, not even supermodels. This is similar to the previous note on comic ugly shots. There are much better ways to show that you like a good time.
9. Out of Focus Shots
I'm going to include in this shots where you are not the focus and landscape photos where you are just a speck. You do want the photograph to support your other attributes, which might include being outdoorsy. However, the main purpose of the photo is always to show that the other good looking photo wasn't a fluke. People want to see you. Clearly.
If you are prepared to go out and make a day of taking some great, fresh and creative shots, you never have to fear the online profile photo. So go and have fun.
Your profile picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Raise your hand if you hoped you might be able to do all this without putting up a picture?
Now also put up your hand if you hoped you could use a selfie from your phone or an old photo with other people in it?
Tut, tut, tut.
Let me say this clearly: yes you need a photo. Why would you even bother to put together a profile if you are going to then shoot yourself in the foot by refusing to show your face? And then you need to make sure it's an asset, not a liability.
Psychological studies into online dating have demonstrated that people are cautious because of the lack of ways to verify the information presented. That's why everyone thinks everyone else is lying online. We like to be able to check a person's eye movements or body posture as they tell us things, so we can judge for ourselves whether we think they are telling the truth. Online, because there are far fewer cues, people read more meaning into the ones that remain.
Your photos are one of the the best ways to support what you say and make you appear honest. However, if you aren't careful, it will also be 'telling' people things about you that you don't know.
Not only do you need them, but you need them to look good. How the photo is taken and a myriad of other little tells will give away more information about you than you know. Thinking of putting up a shot you've clearly taken yourself? This immediately says that you have no friends, because you couldn't find one single other people who could hold the camera for you. Yup, that's how much people will read into your photos.
But don't be scared. You may not know exactly what your photos are saying, but that's why you have me. To help you out, I'm going to go through the most common mistakes I've found online, and what these photos are actually screaming. Keep in mind that that the profile picture is not just being used to judge your appearance, but your entire life. So, here are some things to be aware of:
1. Pictures of Something Else
While there are many different mistakes you can make with your own photo, not actually using a photo of yourself seems a bit obvious. What exactly is that going to tell other people about you? You are throwing away a perfectly good chance to attract someone, and instead shouting out that you are deformed or so insecure that you can't show people your face. These are not good messages.
2. Putting Up A Picture With Multiple People In It
Using photos of you with a lot of other people can support your statement that you have great friends. However, it also has some negative connotations that I think you should be aware of. First, it says you have put no effort whatsoever into choosing photos for your profile, as you've just grabbed them off Facebook. Second, everyone will automatically assume you are the most ugly person in the photo. Sorry, but it's true.
3. You with Another Girl
I assume the logic is that you are trying to prove you can pull hot girls. This is slightly undermined by the fact that you are on an internet dating site. Further, users will judge the girl in the photo (harshly, it's human nature) and then assume that is your type. Even if the girl in the photo is an exact representation of your ideal girl, after she has gone through this filter you will find no other girl wanting to own up to being like her. Therefore, every girl viewing it will assume you are looking for someone else. The only acceptable woman ever would be your grandmother. Your mother makes you look like a mama's boy. Having a child in your photo is okay if it is yours and you want to get across clearly that you have children and are a loving parent. If you want to get across that you are great with children, but don't have any of your own, then put a niece or nephew in one of your other photos, not your primary one, and clearly state it's not yours.
4. My Comic Ugly Shot
So you think you can get around the whole being judged on your looks thing by a comic ugly shot, huh? The sad truth is that whichever is the worst photo of you online is what everyone is going to assume you look like most of the time. Also, it makes you look like you are insecure so hiding behind humor. This is not attractive. You always want to appear confident.
5. The Decapitated Shot
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. This Is Me... 10 Years Ago
All of your photos need to be reasonably up to date, with the primary photo being taken in the last few months. You look great as you are, and have matured well, so be confident. It is usually pretty obvious if someone hasn't put up a recent photo, because no 40 year old actually looks like that. But even if you don't get found out now, you are just leading to in person rejection - not because you're bad looking, but because you are not what they expected. Now you look older and like a liar, or just seriously insecure, which is not attractive either. Even though a lot of people do feel that an out-dated photo is still legitimate, if you are prepared to put some time in now, you can definitely take an even better photo. Recreate your favorite shot if that makes you feel better, but add in some extra clues to your achievements since then.
7. My Professional Glamor Shot
If you are a model, and have been paid to have your photo taken, then sure, go ahead an include one of them (this will support your self-statements). In any other circumstance, I recommend not using professional glamor shots in your profile. If you have paid someone to take photos of you, this often comes across as self-indulgent. Further, they are known to be unrealistic and touched up, so people don't trust them anyway. Even if you love the picture, I recommend trying to recreate a more realistic version yourself.
8. The Drunken Shot
I'm sorry, but no one is attractive when they are drunk, not even supermodels. This is similar to the previous note on comic ugly shots. There are much better ways to show that you like a good time.
9. Out of Focus Shots
I'm going to include in this shots where you are not the focus and landscape photos where you are just a speck. You do want the photograph to support your other attributes, which might include being outdoorsy. However, the main purpose of the photo is always to show that the other good looking photo wasn't a fluke. People want to see you. Clearly.
If you are prepared to go out and make a day of taking some great, fresh and creative shots, you never have to fear the online profile photo. So go and have fun.
About the Author:
This has been adapted from Buffy Greentree's new book The Nice Guy's Guide To Online Dating Profiles, available on Amazon and Buffy's website, www.100firstdrafts.com.
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